Thursday, July 19, 2007

By choice, man!

My pal Zeke just got this e-mail from a girl he asked out:

Alright, I want to be really honest with you about something. I was trying to decide whether to tell you in person or in email and then I decided just to tell you before dinner tomorrow. I am fine with going to dinner tomorrow, but I just want you to know (and I have no idea what you want or are thinking) but if what you want is potentially a relationship, I can’t promise you that I’m ready for that right now. I just got out of a long term relationship and I am not ready to jump into another one right now. I just want to be honest because I don’t want to give off any type of wrong impression about anything. I am not saying I will never want one but I literally just broke up with my boyfriend of two years a little less than two months ago. If now knowing this you would rather not have dinner, I totally understand, but I just wanted to make sure you know where I stand.

Talk about a buzz-kill. I'm surprised she didn't close with "let's just be friends" or some other insipid write-off along those lines. Off the top of my head, I'm reminded of the line from the movie Hitch: "No woman wakes up saying 'God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!' Now, she might say 'This is a really bad time for me,' or something like 'I just need some space,' or my personal favorite, 'I'm really into my career right now.' You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why." Whether this broad is consciously lying to Zeke or whether she's lying to herself, I don't think it really matters all that much: what does Zeke stand to gain from actually going to dinner with her? Nada. Goose Egg. If I were in the same town as him, I'd tell him to cancel on her and come by my place instead. He could give me $50 and I'd kick him in the nuts. He'd get the same feeling as he's going to get if he actually goes to dinner with this peach, and he'd save himself at least $20.

He didn't ask for a suggestion as to what to write back, but if I were him, I'd say: "That's great, because I was just looking for a piece of ass myself! If you're down for an NSA rendezvous, then I'm your man!" or something to that effect. Unfortunately for him, he won't, since he happens to be a nice guy.


Unconscious said...

Sooo.... did someone ever kick her, slap her around something? Look man, now you have a posse of bitches in Texas, who can help your pal out. We can take her, we are pretty feisty ;)

Jamm-o-rama said...

Yeah, we like to take out McNoopid's. It's kind of a hobby.

Jack Gordon said...

Stay tuned; I haven't followed up with him. I'll be sure to tell him you've got his back, though.