Saturday, September 8, 2007


I don't consider myself to be a deviant in many ways. But I couldn't help but wonder how others perceive me when one day the Kaiser called me while I was in the middle of a beer at the Pub. I stepped outside to have the conversation as I couldn't hear him clearly over the barroom din.

"Hey puto, Marie and I were wondering what sort of lube you recommend." (Marie is his long-term girlfriend.)

"Excuse me?" I replied.

"You know, personal lubricant . . . like KY."

"Ohhh . . . luuuube," I replied, "wait -- what the hell am I -- who made me the lube consultant???"

"Well, you always seem to know about these things."

And the sad thing is, I actually had an opinion to share with the guy. I told him what I thought: that KY was the old trusty, Astroglide was more hype than what it's worth and I wouldn't spend my money on it, though it would do, and if they were at a place with a selection, he and Marie would probably really like Wet, which was not only better than the other two I mentioned, but also comes in a variety of fruit flavors. Also, if he want to the right shop, they would have sample sizes of different types and they should probably try out a few before settling on one particular brand.

This isn't the first time that somebody's called me up with questions of this sort -- not just lube, but "deviant" sex questions. So there I was. The kink consultant for my friends. And I had to ask myself how I came to be that guy . . . and I think it came from the time that my friends were making fun of one of our buddies because he had a pair of fuzzy handcuffs at his place. And I said: "Fuzzy handcuffs are for posers. Real men know how to tie knots." And that pretty much cast me into the role of libertine in the eyes of all. And I'm serious; I can tie you a bowline, a prusik, or a reef knot with one hand in pitch blackness. I kind of kick ass that way.

The Kaiser thanked me and hung up the phone, and I walked back into the Pub. "Who was that?" Frankie asked.

"The Kaiser. He and Marie are shopping for lube."

"For him or for her?"

"I have no idea. I didn't want to ask. . . ."


Unconscious said...

I guess thats cool, but let me stun you with my abilities...I can tie a bow tie, I can curl the ribbons on a gift, and I can tie my shoes...;) don't be jealous.

So either The Other Jack is a phreek, or the origionaly boyscoutt.

Jack Gordon said...

LOL. The LAST boy scout. Actually, more of a big nerd in recovery. What's with the "Other" title. Who's the "Primary" Jack?

Jamm-o-rama said...

Well, we just happen to know another Jack, a very good buddy of ours in fact. :)

Jamm-o-rama said...

BTW, I don't really have any mad tying skills. Maybe it is high time I learn!

Jack Gordon said...

Jamm-o-rama, if you're doing the tying, that takes it somewhere even I've never been.

Unconscious said...

Jamm...Just admit can tell him, I don't think jack will care...he's jack, you're jack...E ;) Ha Ha!